Your Quick Guide to Setting Personal Boundaries
Art by Kalie Yang
Importance of boundaries
How to set your boundaries
Introduction
Healthy boundaries are tools that prevent people from violating your limits. You are allowed to dictate what improves your mood and what drains your energy. Boundaries will help you focus on what matters most and protect your mental health. This article will discuss the importance of boundaries and how to set personal boundaries.
Importance of Boundaries
Personal boundaries are the ones you set to determine what is acceptable to you from your partner, family, friends, and colleagues. They are the boundaries you set for yourself to improve your mental health and relationships with those around you.
Setting boundaries can be challenging. Only some people will like or understand your limits or why you set these limits. It often takes courage and strength to set boundaries, but when you do, you feel secure. If someone chooses to break your boundaries, everyone always has the right to distance themselves from anyone in their life.
What happens to a person without boundaries?
They seek approval from others and feel helpless and afraid of being rejected or criticized.
They are constantly trying to please others at the expense of ourselves.
If they do too much and can't say "no", they may experience stress and burnout.
They feel out of control and angry.
How to Set Your Boundaries
There are six types of boundaries that you can try to set.
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries are the boundaries you set about your body, touch, immediate space, food and drink preferences, and rest.
Here are some questions to help you set physical boundaries:
How do I feel about being touched by other people? (hugs, handshakes, high fives, etc.)
Who do I feel comfortable being touched by? (Friends, partners, family members, co-workers, etc.)
Do I feel comfortable when people walk into my bedroom or is this space just for me?
Regarding the food I make and eat, do I want someone to eat it?
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries are the type of boundaries you set about what you feel emotionally comfortable sharing with others. These boundaries help us determine how and what we share, who we share those details with, and how well we can listen while supporting others.
Here are some questions to help you set emotional boundaries:
Whom do I contact if I need to discuss something personal?
With whom can I not share my personal things?
How can I create space to process my emotions?
What do you not want to share with friends, family, etc.?
Time Boundaries
Your time is valuable, and it is crucial to protect how it is utilized. Setting time boundaries is incredibly important at work, at home, and socially. It is about understanding your priorities and setting aside enough time for the many areas of your life without over-committing.
Questions you can ask yourself to explore these time limits include:
How much time do you need in a day/week/etc.?
What are my priorities when planning my free time?
How much will I charge per hour for a work collaboration gig?
How do I decide which additional projects to devote my time to?
Sexual Boundaries
They relate to your boundaries regarding intimacy, consent, and agreement, as well as respecting and understating preferences and desires. Questions you can ask yourself to explore these limits include:
How do I give verbal consent? And do I communicate it non-verbally? How does my sexual partner(s) communicate their sexual consent?
What type of sexual intimacy is satisfying? What about my partner?
How do I prefer to communicate when I am sexually intimate? Body language? Verbal? Or a mix of both?
What are my limits when it comes to sexual safety? Do I need multiple birth control methods to feel comfortable (condom + pill / IUD / etc.)? How do I deal with STD health and safety?
Intellectual Boundaries
Intellectual boundaries refer to your thoughts, ideas, and curiosity. Healthy intellectual boundaries can be violated when your thoughts and curiosity are shut down, dismissed, or belittled. Respectfulness and willingness to dialogue and understanding are important here.
Here are some questions to help set intellectual boundaries:
What does it mean to me to respect ideas and other points of view? In other words, how do other people act that makes me feel my ideas are rejected or belittled? How can I take care of myself when this happens?
How can I show that you respect the ideas and perspectives of others?
What does it mean to me that it's time to end the discussion? (Are friendly discussions okay? Are heated discussions okay? Do I prefer to leave conversations before conflict arises?)How do I communicate when it's time to step back from the conversation?
How do I tell someone that my ideas aren't being respected?
Material Boundaries
These are boundaries related to physical possessions, homes, etc. Here are some questions to help set boundaries:
What can I afford to share?
What am I willing to share?
How will I share what I have?
Whom will I share it with?
What will I not share?
Boundaries not only protect our time and energy, but they also help protect our relationships. They encourage us to examine our limits and be straightforward. Sometimes, someone may break your boundaries when you try to communicate it to them. It is more than okay in these situations to cut off contact with that individual. Setting healthy boundaries doesn't mean you don't care about others. It is about caring for others and yourself. It also helps you and others to heal and grow.
We cannot expect others to easily accept the boundaries we set for ourselves. Remember that it is not your responsibility to make others understand you. You need to speak truthfully with love and explain why they are important to you and them. Setting healthy boundaries is an essential practice for good mental health.
Mental Health Society of Greater Victoria aims to foster a community that speaks openly about mental health. For more content related to mental health, follow us on Facebook and Instagram.